An enneagram 9 tries to deal with emotions and change

As of today, I have exactly two weeks left in this little town I’ve called home for the last four years (okay more like 3 1/2. thx covid!)

But dang, thanks a whole lot to process.

And let me tell you, I don’t process emotions super well.

I feel them so deeply but it’s the expression of them that I tend to struggle with.

And yeah, this is such an Enneagram 9 thing to do. To shove down my emotions and pretend everything is just fine. But in reality, right now my upcoming graduation is filled to the brim with sadness and complete joy all at the same time. That’ll create some confusion in your head.

By God’s grace, I’ve learned how I process my emotions. Writing poetry has become that sweet outlet that I needed. I have fallen in love with the free-flowing words. No structure or rhyme scheme to try and make. Just me and my thoughts.

Yesterday I woke up feeling super uneasy and deeply sad. It was the first time that it really hit me with the small amount of time that I have left here. So last night, I grabbed my journal and my most favorite fluffy robe (you guys this thing is a blanket with sleeves!!) and I sat down to write a poem. I tried to put my emotions to paper, and while it helped, I still felt sad and I realized I’m deep in mourning.

And then I realized that that feeling isn’t gonna go away in the next fourteen days, or likey in the days following that.

I don’t really want to say goodbye to this town.

I don’t really want to say goodbye to my plant-filled apartment.

I don’t really want to say goodbye to my job at the writing center that I have fallen in love with.

I don’t really want to say goodbye to Snowy Range Church. The sweetest home church.

I don’t really want to say goodbye to my favorite coffee shop where I am at least once a week these days.

I don’t want to say goodbye to international dinners.

Or the Internationals themselves (they are some of my favorite people I swear).

And I do not want to say goodbye to my people.

The most incredible people that the Lord allowed in my life. I am a huge relational person, so this goodbye for the foreseeable future is gonna wreck me, I just know it. I seriously don’t know how I would have made it through without them. Each person resembling Christ so beautifully. Each person pointing me back to Christ and calling me higher. Each person challenging me and making me feel so seen and so known and so loved.

Jesus really blew it out of the water when it came to the people He chose to place in my path! He gave me my future bridesmaids and best friends all in one wrapped up with a bow. He really gave me friends for life and I will be forever thankful!!

The truth is, I would not be the person I am today if God has not directed my path to Laramie 4 years ago. I have been through so much. Some good. Some bad. Some filled with the most joy and laughter I’ve ever experienced. And other moments looked like sobbing in confusion.

From health issues and heartbreak and covid, to rolling on my living room floor laughing and dancing at international dinners and the sweet moments with my roommates just being around each other. What a refining four years. The Lord has grown me and stretched me these last four years and I wouldn’t have it any other way! I am so thankful that He gave me a place where the growth that needed to happen did.

I think it’s safe to say that I have made myself so comfortable here. Maybe a little too comfortable. And as I look to my next adventure, I am filled with such hope, joy, and excitement, but I gotta tell ya, I am mourning my time here and I am refusing to believe that it’s coming to an end.

Leaving on the whole is really hard and there are even bigger things that I am mourning now about this upcoming year. I don’t want to think about missing Thanksgiving and Christmas and each of my family members birthdays’ (we have some big ones this year). I don’t wanna miss that incredible moment where my brother becomes a U.S. Marine! I don’t wanna miss the small moments of playing games and watching movies with my family. I don’t wanna miss weddings and engagements and any kind of celebrating to be had.

But Jesus has recently taught me that he is sustaining me. In every moment and in every place. In every transition and in every hello and goodbye. He is right beside me and he is not letting me go. No matter what my emotions are. I’m glad God is the safe place that I get to go to to process this whole life-change thing with.

I had a moment with the Lord about a month ago and he simply said

“Don’t you trust me?”

Okay God, I hear ya.

I have to remember to trust Him. He has made it evidently clear that I am perfectly in His will. And so if He has made this next step of mine this crystal clear, why am I limiting Him in what He is going to do once I’m on the race? Why don’t I expect Him to continue to sustain me there? Why am I keeping Him so small when I should be allowing Him to blow my mind at who He is and all He is doing in the here and now. If anything, I should be allowing Him to direct my paths straight just as it says in Proverbs 3:5-6!

My flesh is gonna move from country to country, continent to continent, and weather change to weather change. Those season of change will be hard too, but Jesus will be right beside me. Holding me so close. And continuing to sustain me.

Here in Laramie and on the world race, God is ultimately a God who wants all my emotions and my lack of ability to deal with them. That is a sweet promise from an even sweeter God.

So with all this being said, Jesus is good. He is a faithful and sustaining Father who wants what’s best for me.

And the world race is His next best for me.

So, as I get ready to say goodbye to the University of Wyoming and sweet little Laramie, I am beyond confident that Jesus is gonna be by my side in the next fourteen days and in the next fourteen months and forever more after that!